The Lord of the medieval part of my heart,
The owner of the unconscious & uncontrolled part of my soul,
The captivating charming and childish lord of my thoughts
My mother told me once that: « there are people who get inside your skin and never leave, they remain printed as ‘the unforgettable’ ». I do not know yet, if you are one of the latter. Yet, I know very well that everyday I hear your voice, I melt & got lost in wanting you… Every time, you call I lose the powerful woman I am and turn into the ‘WANTING you’ version that never stop from denying it after every single call.
At first, I thought ‘desire’ it is! I should let go the sins that would take me to hell. Then, the ‘detachment of that desire mode started by trying to find all the imperfections in you. Yet, I turned to the bloody conclusion that it’s more than that. How can it not be? If even the most apparent parts of your personality, I’d accept and O scary times, might I be in love?
Every-time, I try to go one step ahead through asking silly indirect questions when I just wished that I asked directly. It’s hard and not because I’m shy or not self-confident. It is because, whenever we talk, I could see the ‘ambitious man who’s looking for a career fulfillment rather than anything else’; ‘the pragmatic man who lives in an emotional denial’; and ‘the proud yet lost soul who doesn’t know where to set’… & because, all I want is to see you happy and fulfilled, I just let go all the direct questions, desires and, hopes to be with you. I burry the hurt of that denial in you and, continue living with a ‘maybe’ than facing the harsh reality of ‘no’.
Maybe, I should’ve been more direct? No, Because we both know where I would like to go…
« Am I in love again? », a desperate question that I have been turning around my head over and over. But then, how can I even forget? How did I let go all the memories and move on with a new spirit and desire for a ‘blurred future man’?! An equation I have been trying to process in my head for over five months now… What’s special about you? What makes me fall for someone who dared to feed me with plenty of indirect, unclear and, uncertain words? and again, the same question that passes by my thoughtful spirit: ‘Why on earth I’m falling & am drowning for a very obvious end?!’ ‘How can I believe and trust a pragmatic, philosophical and uncertain man?’
It seems like it’s a circled game that wouldn’t end. As in each time, I say this would be the last round. Then again, your voice pours magic in me! I found me under the spell of let go all the directness inside my ‘hunted soul’ and accepting the ‘trivial vague conversations’ we share. O Alexander! if you knew.. how much talking to you is of a sweet torture and pain… Would you even feel the same?
Alas, you can’t read under my lines all the wanting screaming and passionate love I have. Yet, I won’t fall under that spell again. Perhaps, I am scared? Would you accept a – long-time- wait? Would you still care even after all this distance, and time? And when you mentioned ‘holding hands’, would you think I didn’t care? I was hoping that you told me then, ‘how much you missed me, how much you care,,,’ But then again, I was afraid of the ‘pragmatic denying soul of yours’.
Remember when you mentioned ‘Coming here’? I had butterflies dancing out of fear from your next sentence, shattered smiles and, crisis —- and again, you said nothing but, ‘see you soon’. Do you even mean it? How can I deny this strong feeling inside that says that you do and the shouting voices of logic that says you don’t? How can I not picture your deep clear shining and innocent looking eyes whenever I hear that: ‘see you soon’? Are you aware of that?
Two weeks is a short period for an entrepreneur who’s racing with time for profit yet, a sweet painful and long period for a loving shepherd soul. Easy to say that I would forget, that I’m moving on and not going to waste time in waiting for the ‘unsure pragmatic soul’ yet, harsh as rock climbing or better yet, burning in hell for me to let go that ‘desire’ mixed with ‘serious appreciation’ to the person you are. Could you even believe it?
Remember the first time we met? I still, can’t believe how big of a flirt I was… Truth to be told, I didn’t even cared about you back then.. I was even thinking; ‘another white boasting man’ who’s quite careless and not attentive to the human’s crisis… And then, that gesture of introducing your brother was of a surprise to me and of a denial! Moreover, that sweet innocent truth that you shared about your temporary stay made you the ‘star of my day’, mixed with your trilingual skill. I was, for the first time curious to get you on a more -flirting- night. I even, was impressed in silence of how caring, open-minded, cheerful, funny, innocent, and, pragmatic you were! It felt like I have known you for ages back then… Five months after, even with all those people who keep on asking me to let go the thought of you and the nagging of them, I’m still impressed and in ‘a wanting mode’ of you… All the ones I met, and am meeting can’t get me the satisfaction you did. And all I hope I could ask, is it the same for you? Or was it just a one night stand? Am I really living in the denial world and what I felt was just an illusion of the heart? Or, are you really ‘real’ and ‘willing for a next round’?
And then again, all that remain in ‘the un-said’. You might be wondering why? Simply because, I can’t! Am I afraid of the truth? No… I’m giving ‘us’ more time to think of the next step. I could have come.. how many times I had this sentence in my mouth about to be written but never sent: ‘would you be willing to accept a one week guest?’ I never managed to send it even if I seriously consider it visiting you… I didn’t send it because, I could clearly see how much your ‘current life’ matters more than ‘changing and trying a new one’; – a new one that I am willing to fully invest in to make you get the career you want, the love you need and, the energy you lack to continue in peace -. Whenever I was about to ask, you distance yourself explaining later how much your four objectives mean to you… And how can I destroy that passion I hear in your voice when you speak about your ‘creative fulfillment’? —Even if, I feel that you are not joyful with what you have, you are keeping on doing it and unwilling to let go. I understand that ‘change is only for brave’. Ironically, even your ‘non-brave’ acts, I like.
And then, you ask me to be direct and clear? How many times, I said that I am willing to try? Plenty in which you respond by disappearing then, coming back as if nothing happened… How many times, I tried to ask if I could help? And you rejected my requests, explaining that it’s a process you should undertake ‘alone’… And again, I understood. I am giving you the ‘alone’ time you need… Does it mean I forgot? Never. Does it mean I don’t care? Hell no. Does it mean I am changing my mind? Not even for a single minute. Does it mean I will make another first step? No, simply because, I want you to choose. I’d rather live in these doubts and hopes than making another step towards you. And you know why? Simply because, I want it to be ‘your decision’. I want you to choose what you really want without any kind of pressure. Remember when you told me if I felt the same way with someone else, I should try? At that time, I felt hurt and knew that you are still uncertain. I took my distance not because I don’t want you or didn’t want you that night rather, to let you ‘choose’ with assertion what you want. Needless to mention that I still have the same ‘want’ if you just state ‘yours’.
First World problem is it? It might be the case for the ice-hearted souls. If you ever know of who I’m.. Would you even still care? A very simple peasant in a wonderland.. For some, I’m considered ‘a parasite’ for making it up so far. My true story is written with blood, fear and dark unwanted souls. My destiny is full of risk, unknown and, clouds… An eight year-old mother who can’t deny the strength to heal the pragmatic, lost and, uncertain rigid version of yours. If you ever free that emotional caring bird in you…
My dear Alexander, I never sent you this and wouldn’t do that simply because, I believe in your ‘wisdom’ to choose and ‘realize’ how much I care about you. There are still more of a ‘non-said’ than said words in my heart to you. There are still of a love to give and share. I believe in time that we will meet again and that it would be shared with the language of caring and, the sweet tasteful soft gestures of yours.
The Dreaming soul